Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
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I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.