I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
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Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Pretty much! 😂👀
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give