Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
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Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
I know this now 😂
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées