“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
You Might Also Like
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.