Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
You Might Also Like
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it
5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk