I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
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My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
this came to me in a vision
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord