*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
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My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
pat pat
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.