[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
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doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven