A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
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John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight鈥nd I don鈥檛 want to show up鈥nderdressed
guy who just started working today: I鈥檓 afraid you鈥檒l be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Breaking news:
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
If there鈥檚 karaoke or no karaoke I鈥檓 not going
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃拃
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”