I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
You Might Also Like
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
The prophecy is fulfilled
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.