I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
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Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.