The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
You Might Also Like
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.