My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
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My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”