“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
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Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
called in thicc to work this morning
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Seems kinda suspicious
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done