Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
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[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
“What movie?” 🤔
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
WHY would you be happy about this?
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!