Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
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I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha