Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
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Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Bed should get ready for ME
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
i did the math
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.