If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
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Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
I missed you with all my darts
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
This is my emotional support knife.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.