Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
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Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.