you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
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Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Flowers bee like
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.