jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
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Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce