So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
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Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
When someone says you are so lazy
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again