GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
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“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
oh shit
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.