Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
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Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
This a good idea
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Otters see a butterfly.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile