Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
You Might Also Like
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.