Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
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Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
I only eat vegetarians.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?