angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
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[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.