If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
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Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”