I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
You Might Also Like
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
english majors be like furthermore
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
bury ourselves
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
Sorry I made promises on Friday
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston