*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
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Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?