1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
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Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
it’s the silliest best thing
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
I wish I could veto my bills.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks