Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
You Might Also Like
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good