Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
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Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Monday
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*