Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
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Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
The human personality is made of five key elements
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Trains are just sideway elevators.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
This is Sparta
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50