having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
You Might Also Like
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Hank is one in a melon.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.