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People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..