I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
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FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.