Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
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VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me