If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
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God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Are you a cat person or a person person?