I swear some people should be banned from cooking
You Might Also Like
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
💯😂
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
i wish i could marry a nap
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.