“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
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THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
I told my vodka about you.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.