Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
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The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
my retirement plan is braless
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight