You Might Also Like
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Sharon, call the vet
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
mood
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*