hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
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Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.