Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
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I’m literally crying
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*