it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
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A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
lol
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.