The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
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Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Girl, same.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.