Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
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*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
Just a reminder, folks:
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
[eats all your cotton candy]
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass