I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
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Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Dead sexy!!
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines