WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
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Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries